These Moments (aka Amatonormativity is Violent)

I am so grateful for these moments. The moments that stick to my skin and mind, forever. Each one of these paragraphs represents someone different.

Can I get lost in your eyes one last time?

I will always cherish that memory. More than you ever will I am sure. I do miss looking into your eyes, deeply. Everything disappeared. Everything and everyone seemed distant. I would nearly kill for this feeling again. That one look. Of course, I am scared it is gone by now. It’s been several years and you never loved me anyways. But, I do hope I can find it one last time. One last time, I hope to lose myself in your eyes. People don’t realize how violent Amatonormativity is.

Can I Forget about the World for a Second Once Again?

I can always count on you. You hate me, I am sure, for the most part. You are too good. You give in. I impose all these boundaries on you and you just somehow keep on going. I don’t think you do because you truly understand what I am going through, but I do know you are a good person and I think you want to make me feel better. I will always remember that one day. I was not feeling the best. You had a partner at the time, but you gave me a whole hour, I would say. I got to hold you real tight. I even fell asleep briefly. For an instant, I felt human again. Thank you for that. People don’t realize how violent Amatonormativity is.

Can I Rely on You One More Time?

I feel like our relationship might break eventually. You are always there and I love you for it. I want to support you. I want to be so much more, but you will not allow me to outside of a romantic relationship. You have one of those already, so I am now completely useless. When is the last time you will allow me to lean on you? I am always chancing it. When is one too many times, since we are ONLY friends? People don’t realize how violent Amatonormativity is.

Can I Hold You like This Again Once Again?

That one day. Truck stop on the outskirts of Toronto. We had poutine and then before I hit the road, we hugged and kissed. We were both really sweaty, but it didn’t matter. For a short time I mattered to you and I made sure to take full advantage of that. I saw you a couple of time after, but it never was quite the same. You are looking for a romantic relationship and you found it. You don’t need or want me anymore. People don’t realize how violent Amatonormativity is.

Should I have Kissed You Back Then?

I admire you. You are so smart and determined. We had something good going on. You were supposed to help me drive to Missouri, but something came up. I did stop at your parents’ place on the way. I was so glad to see a familiar place and meet your family. I will always be grateful for this. It hurts me when I see your post with your partner. I feel like what we had is gone. I wonder if I should have tried to kiss you on that night when I left for the unknown with my car and trailer (that was before my trailer tire caught on fire for the record). I wonder if I will ever see you again. Even if I do, it will never be the same. I have become “less than”. People don’t realize how violent Amatonormativity is.

These are 5 examples taken from many. These are real people I care about. people that are part of who I am. people who care not about me because of Amatonormativity. That is unacceptable (in my mind, but celebrated otherwise). It is what is it. People don’t realize how violent Amatomormativity is!

 

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