More and more my life is marked by how people choose to make time for me in their lives (or not). I crave meaningful relationships and I chase them relentlessly. I go through ups and downs. An up could be the opportunity to hug a friend for more than a few seconds and a down could be to realize that people I care about deeply are not willing to make time to see me.
What keeps me going are these (often) distant memories of times where I felt like I mattered to other people. Most of these memories date back to a time before most of the people my age were utterly consumed by the idea of being in a romantic relationship at all cost (teenage years). That being said, I have a few more recent memories that I try to hold on to (in the last 5 years). My inability to create new ones creates immense stress in my life on a daily basis.
All I can think about is the fact that I don’t have meaningful relationships and that I need them in order to function.