I should be ecstatic. I really should. I don’t often get to leave the remote island (literally) on which I live. Soon, I will be reunited with people I care about deeply, people I love.
The thing is that I am not ecstatic. It’s actually grown to be difficult to be around people I love. Knowing that they will never be able to give me what I need is hard. I am sitting in front of them. Sometimes I’ll catch myself getting lost in their eyes… thinking about what my life would be like if I actually had friends, not just acquaintances… If I could truly connect on a deep personal level with other people. Unfortunately, that is usually reserved for romantic partners only
So anyways, I will be visiting two cities where I used to live shortly and will have the opportunity to connect with the few people I love I managed to stay in touch with throughout the years following my departure. In all honesty, there are not many people left that stuck around. I feel obligated to spend time with people that are left. I want to spend time with them too, I think? I don’t know anymore. At the end of the day, seeing them causes me more distress than good. It feels like salt on wounds. A reminder that I have been left behind. A reminder that I have to live confined in a box where there are so many rules and regulations around emotions, affection, and care. For what? I have no idea… But it hurts every minute of every day I spend with people I care about. No matter how much I care about them, no matter how much I sacrifice for them, I will never be more than a mere acquaintances in comparison to their carefully selected unique romantic partner.
The last time I saw one of my best friends he told me I should go see a therapist, because I looked very depressed. Of course, the entire time I was with him, I struggled not to start crying. Just thinking about it now, I am feeling some anxiety. I can go about my day and interact with people I don’t know just fine. I feel empty, but nothing more. When I am with people I love, on the other hand, I feel dead inside. I love them in a way they will never be willing to love me back and it hurts.